Pairings! (A one-shot in four chapters)
by JoanHall
Summary: Join the ridiculous romp as Cupid slings his arrows in improbable ways. LOTS of OOC!
1. Scene 1

**I think of this story as a one-shot, but I gave each vignette a separate chapter to make it easier to comment on them.**

 **The story is definitely complete. Believe me, you wouldn't want a continuation of this stuff.**

* * *

 **ROSINGS**

Lady Catherine de Bourgh squirmed with anticipation as her visitor approached.

"How excited I was to receive your invitation," he grinned as he took her hand. "Ever since we met in London, I have been longing to see you again."

She blushed furiously and batted her eyelids at him. "As have I. You are the most agreeable gentleman I have ever met."

"When I look at you," Charles Bingley continued rapturously, "I see the face of an angel. An angel in a William Blake painting."

Fortunately, Lady Catherine was too besotted to ask which angel in which Blake painting* he was referring to.

"And the thing about you, sir, that won my heart, that caused me to forget the degradations of your birth, is how eager you are to be influenced by the advice of others. This, even more than your excessive smiles or your charming handwriting, showed me that I would find true happiness with you, for there is nothing I love more than giving advice, and you, my dear, you are the perfect recipient!"

"How right you are! It is just as my sister Caroline said to me the other day: _'Charles,'_ she said, _'if all your friends jumped off of a bridge, would you follow suit?'_ That is what she said. _'Caroline,'_ I told her, _'my friends are extremely wise. If they were convinced that jumping off of a bridge was a worthwhile pursuit, I would certainly heed their counsel.'_ "

"She sounds like such a dear girl! I hope that when we begin our future together you can bring her here to live with us at Rosings. I will settle her differences, silence her complaints, and scold her into harmony and plenty!"

"She will appreciate it to the utmost, I am sure. I will certainly need to bring her, as she has not yet found a husband," Mr. Bingley replied.

"Well, she will have no need of marriage now. She can be Anne's full-time caregiver and companion. We can dismiss Mrs. Jenkinson!"

"How perfect! And I shall no longer have to worry about buying an estate when I can live here and leave my money to our daughter Anne's children. Wait until I tell Caroline!"

"What a happy family we shall be!"

They gazed at each other, blissfully unaware of the nauseated looks on the faces of the servants.

* * *

* William Blake, The Good and Evil Angels 1795–?c. 1805


	2. Scene 2

**HUNSFORD**

"In vain have I struggled!", William Collins proclaimed, tears streaming down his face. "I have tried with all my heart to ignore your manifold attractions, your grace and beauty, your bashful modesty and the genuine delicacy of your character. But I find myself unable to deny the violence of my affection. How bitter is my misfortune to be so smitten with a woman who can never be mine. My love for you is my undoing!"

"Why do you say that I cannot be yours?", Georgiana Darcy replied. "For you have captured me completely. I am a country girl at heart, loving wildlife more than anything. From our first meeting, you reminded me so much of my very favorite animal! _'That man,'_ I thought to myself, _'is like a toad who walks upright. The most adorable toad I have ever seen.'_ No other man has ever pleased me so!", she said with delight.

"Oh, Miss Darcy!", he blubbered, his tears unabated. "Knowing that you return my feelings only increases my agony! My esteemed patroness, your noble aunt, Lady Catherine, has made it clear what type of bride I must seek. She has made it abundantly clear that my wife should be a woman of modest means. Modest means!", he wailed. "She would never approve of our love! There are thirty thousand reasons why she would be displeased!" He collapsed at her feet in a sobbing heap.

Georgiana laid a hand on his shoulder. "My dear Mr. Collins, those thirty thousand reasons can easily be done away. After a little . . . erm . . . _adventure_ that I had this summer, I was made to sign a contract promising that if I elope with any man, I forfeit my entire dowry."

He looked up at her, hope dawning in his eyes. "Truly?", he said.

"Yes! We can be married at once, and afterward I shall be penniless!"

"Penniless?! Praise be!" He jumped to his feet. "Penniless! Oh, kind fate!" He danced a jig around the room.

"Then what are we waiting for, sir?" She rose and grasped his hand.

"TO SCOTLAND!", they both cried as they raced out the door.


	3. Scene 3

**LUCAS LODGE**

Charlotte Lucas sat in the unused parlor in the servants' quarters of the house. She wore a chemise made of black leather, with gloves and high-heeled boots of the same material. Her hair was in a tight bun from which two dagger-form pen knives portruded. In her right hand, she held a riding crop.

When the faint knock came at the door, she stood erect. "Who is it," she called out forcefully.

"It is I, Mistress," came the timid reply.

She waited two full minutes before responding. "Enter," she finally commanded.

George Wickham stepped into the room. After he had taken two steps, Charlotte smacked the riding crop against the table. Wickham instantly dropped to the floor and crawled the rest of the way to where she stood. On reaching her, he laid himself prostrate on the floor before her.

"Speak," she said.

"I have procured the letter from my employer, Mistress. I believe you will be pleased."

"Read it to me."

He rolled to his side to pull a letter out of his pocket and read:

 _Dear Sir William,_

 _I sincerely hope that this letter finds you and your fine family in the best of health. I write to you to testify to the impeccable behavior of George Wickham over these past six months._

 _Since he has left the militia and come to apprentice with me in your former shop (concerning said shop, I must not neglect to praise the exemplary work you did in establishing it and the generosity you showed in allowing me to purchase such a valuable enterprise when you received your well-deserved knighthood), Mr. Wickham has been an able and enthusiastic servant, learning everything that he has needed to learn about our trade and working tirelessly at any task that has been given him._

 _He has also taken it upon himself to do odd jobs for the other merchants in the village, and will continue to do so until the entirety of his indebtedness to them has been repaid. In all this time, he has not caused any trouble for anyone in Meryton and has been an sterling example of industriousness, devotion, and piety._

 _While he has not directly told me his reasons for desiring that I write this letter, I cannot help but suspect that it involves a desire to connect himself to your family in a particular way, as he is effusive in his praise for a certain member of your household. I can assure you, therefore, that his employment with me is quite secure, and I see no reason why you should hesitate in granting any request he may have in that regard. I wish joy to you and your family._

 _Your humble servant,_

 _Peter Oatfield_

Wickham looked up at Charlotte.

"Acceptable," she said. "You may rise to your knees."

He did so, but kept his head bowed.

"Make your request," she said.

"Mistress, may I now ask your father for your hand?"

"You may."

"Thank you, milady!", he said breathlessly. "Thank you, milady. I do not deserve you. I surely do not. How can I express my gratitude, milady?"

"You may kiss my left shoe."

He bowed down and began to passionately kiss the leather boot. So passionately, in fact, that he drew a rebuke from Charlotte.

"Do not use your tongue," she said sternly, "for we are not yet married."

"I am so sorry, Mistress! I was carried away with my emotions."

"Look up at me."

He lifted his head.

"What are you," she asked.

"I am a bad boy."

"I did not hear you."

"I am a bad boy," he said a bit louder.

"I did not hear you."

"I am a bad boy! I am so horribly wicked! I am vile! I am worse than a maggot!"

"You may speak to my father now. Return here to inform me of his answer. If you have persuaded him to give his blessing, you may hold my hand for a while, ungloved, before you return to your employer."

"Oh, thank you, Mistress! You cannot know how happy you make me. I never truly knew what I wanted in a woman until I met you. I will go to your father straightway."

He came to his feet, bowed deeply, and remained bowed as he exited the room backwards.

After he had left, and closed the door, Charlotte smiled slightly.


	4. Scene 4

**PEMBERLEY**

"I hear reports," Fitzwilliam Darcy said, "that all of my friends and relatives are entering into the most improbable love affairs. And now I am about to propose the most incongruous one of them all."

He looked at her. "No one would ever have thought that you and I could love each other," he said gently.

"We are from completely different worlds," she said.

"We are both too stubborn and opinionated for our own good," he said.

"When we are together, we do naught but argue," she said.

"The first time we met, I insulted your beauty," he said.

"The first time we danced, I insulted your character," she said.

"And yet . . ."

"And yet . . ."

"And yet I have found my attachment to you impossible to conquer. Elizabeth Bennet, will you end my suffering and accept my hand?"

She paused briefly, savoring the moment, and then answered, "I will."

He took her hand and kissed it tenderly, then wrapped his arms around her waist. She reached up and slid her fingers into his hair.

"My dearest, loveliest Elizabeth, do you think that your father will approve of our union?"

"He surely will. I don't see how he could object to my romance after Jane's seduction of Colonel Forster."

"I still don't understand how that happened. Wasn't Forster married?"

"Not yet. He was only engaged. But he could not resist Jane's brazen flirtations. He broke his engagement and they wed. They are disgustingly happy together."

"I promise you, my darling, that our love will be every bit as disgusting as theirs."

She smiled at him. "I believe that it will."

Arm in arm, they went out for a walk in the morning sun.


End file.
